Vacation

I'm on vacation as of now...I'll be back shortly.

Back to reality

The weather is rainy and grey here in Cologne, where I am about to begin rehearsals for my concert at the Rheingau Music Festival this weekend. I look out the window and the heavy, bleak sky and see my mood reflected in the heavens.

After six weeks in the idyllic, isolated intensity of Marlboro, I feel like I have been born again, in a way. Delayed for four hours at the airport in Boston on Monday afternoon, I felt like I had been dumped out of a warm, safe, womb-like place into the harsh elements of reality all over again. After being constantly surrounded by such wonderful people for weeks, the loneliness that comes with my livelihood on the road feels much more overwhelming than it has felt in a long time. It has not been a very nice feeling.

I think that part of the problem was that I had to leave a week early from the festival, and so I was robbed of a sense of closure. My goodbyes were rushed at breakfast on Monday morning, and I only got to say goodbye to the people who happened to have early morning rehearsals and were therefore awake that morning. Also, the sense that things there were going to go on without me after I left was not a pleasant one.

I’m surprised how much I find myself missing the new, intensely close friendships I made up in Vermont and our relaxed evenings after long days of rehearsal in which we played hearts and gin rummy, discussing our lives, music, and the day’s gossip. I never expected to form such close bonds with people so quickly, and I am as grateful for them as for the incredible musical experience I had there. I now feel like I didn’t quite get enough time with them, and I find myself wondering and worrying about how well we will all stay in touch when dealing with the challenge of stepping back into our real world lives. I hope that these new friendships will grow through this next step easily, and that we will see each other with frequency and remain in close contact. This is a plus of moving back to New York City, I guess – we will all be in close proximity to each other.

I am grateful that most of the time that I am Germany, I am staying with my good friend, Nadine (who is helping me ease through this transition back to reality), and that I am not alone in a hotel room this week. That would have been unbearable.

To my friends in Marlboro, many, many thanks for one of the best summers I’ve had, and I wish you the best for your last days of the festival. I hope the final concerts go well and that your transitions back to the real world are as easy as they can be.

The beginning of the end

Today marks the beginning of my last week here in Marlboro, and I find that I am sad to see the end of my time here approach. I have three concerts this weekend, in which I will perform one Stravinsky piece and two Schumann pieces. The week promises to be intense and will probably fly by at lightning speed.

I am struck by how much it seems that I was meant to be here this summer. The opportunity to be here sort of fell into my lap – in many ways, the choice made itself apparent. Of course I could easily have said no when the opportunity was offered, but that small, insistent voice inside me was telling me to accept. I am so glad that I did. I really had no idea what to expect from my summer here, but I have had nothing short of a mind-blowing experience. I have learned so much here and been recharged in so many ways on top of making some wonderful new friends. It’s been a real lesson in the value of taking a leap of faith – great things are meant to happen to us, and so much is to be reaped if one is open to it.

Maybe now I’ll stop worrying quite so much about the future…

Friends and a Wedding

I ducked away from Marlboro this weekend to see one of my best friends get married. Our friendship started because we had neighboring lockers for seven years while growing up in Ann Arbor, and over time, she and her family have become to feel like extended family to me. It was an event that I had blocked out on my calendar for almost 18 months, and I was not going to miss it.

It was a truly joyous occasion, filled with all of the emotion and intensity that such events provide. The best part about weddings is that they are a chance to reunite and celebrate with loved ones, and most of my closest and best friends from my youth in Ann Arbor were present. Sitting at my dinner table after the ceremony, listening to toast after toast and watching slideshows of embarrassing photos from our pasts, I felt my eyes water as my heart surged with gratitude and pride for my friends. People who are friends for life are rare and precious, and these guys have been there for so many milestones and changes. We continue to grow together as we talk each other through our career beginnings and changes, our pregnancies, our first children, our weddings, and our advanced degrees. I am so proud of each and every one of these people, who are out there accomplishing great things and trying to make our world a better place either through dealing with the present, trying to understand ourselves better through the past, or envisioning a better future.

Weddings are always bittersweet for me, because it is such a heterosexually-based and tradition-saturated ritual. With all of the intellectual debate and political furor over the issue of gay marriage, the emotional reality of the subject gets lost. During the reception on Saturday, I looked over at Jeremy and saw a surprised joy in his eyes that he was so included by my friends and their families in the event and that they have truly come to regard him as one of the clan. I also saw the sadness in his eyes that his family will never be able to celebrate our union in any way whatsoever. His parents refuse to meet me to this day. It is painful for me to think that I am not even sure how my own parents will deal with such a public affirmation and celebration of our relationship and commitment to each other. When confronted with tuxedos, white gowns, teary-eyed parents filled with pride, and three-tiered cakes wedding cakes, it is hard to avoid having such thoughts creep in to the mind and mix in with the joy and happiness that I feel for my loved ones who are celebrating their vows.

To the bride and groom (who we also have come to adore as one of the clan), I wish all the best for an incredibly beautiful future together. And to my friends from home, I am so grateful for our friendships and our time together, and I am so proud of all that you do – you are incredible people and we are lucky to be loved by you.

A Haven

The first concert of the summer here at Marlboro was tonight. It was an informal evening of music in the dining hall, complete with two trios and a performance of Les nuits d’été, and it was incredible. It was amazing to watch people enjoy themselves so much making music at such a high level. For the ninety minutes of the concert, I sat and was grateful that I have the privilege to be here this summer.

My time here so far has been day after day full of inspiring musical moments. Whether in rehearsal for one of my own pieces or watching a reading of a piano concerto or simply walking on the campus here hearing bits of other groups’ rehearsals, my mind is in a state of continuous expansion. The emphasis of this place (and what makes it so special) is on rehearsal and not on performance, and even though there are concerts, many of the pieces we explore here don't actually get performed. As a result, rehearsal time is practically unlimited.

It is so great to have this incredible opportunity to immerse myself in rehearsal, study and practice, to have the time to iron out and explore the details, to be able to ask questions of my incredible colleagues, and to be surrounded by people who all share the same passion for the precept of music for music’s sake.

This is the sign that greeted us as we arrived at the festival, and it continues to display itself proudly at the top of the hill that is the heart of the campus. It is such a luxury to get to play, instead of stress, worry, obsess, and cram. It is so easy to forget that music is serious fun, and not a stuffy, elitist profession.

Beverly Sills

I was saddened to read the news that Beverly Sills died last night...She was an inspiring presence in our world, and a true trailblazer in so many different ways. I hope that more artists will look to her passionate, determined, and at the same time graceful singing and leadership as things to emulate. The NY Times has a tribute here.

Arrival at Marlboro

After arriving back in the states roughly two weeks ago, I was knocked out by a stomach bug that had me in bed for about a week. That left me with a week to start learning the music I was to begin working on here in Marlboro, to stress out about how to financially deal with moving to New York City sometime this summer, go to a wedding in Fort Collins, visit with Jeremy and some friends at Wolf Trap (where they have begun a highly entertaining run of John Musto’s comedic opera Volpone - all the best to cast for the run of the show - and I had the pleasure of finally meeting ACB, who is truly a lovely and special person and musician), spend some quality time with some very close friends from home who live in DC, and repack my bags for my next stint of travel (six weeks at Marlboro and a week back in Germany). Now, my two weeks off feels like it was a five minute coffee break.

Happily, Jeremy is on a mini-break from Wolf Trap and was able to come up with me here for the first ten days of the festival, allowing us some much needed quality time together.

I arrived in Marlboro Sunday evening, and it was like hitting a brick wall. It is so peaceful, lush and beautiful out here. We are surrounded by so little, and all there is to focus on is music and the nature around us. After traveling through so many fast paced, big cities over the last 2 years performing a staggering amount of new repertoire or auditioning (Houston, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Frankfurt, Paris, London, St. Louis, Memphis, Washington, DC), being in this remote, quiet, small place that centers itself around the idea of making music for music’s sake feels like I’ve gone from driving a speedy 80 miles an hour to staggeringly slow 5. While I was shocked by the change in lifestyle and pace, I am finding myself totally reinvigorated and inspired to work in a way that I have not been since being an undergraduate student at the University of Michigan, when everything felt new.

Photo by Jeremy Frank

Layover

Rather than do something productive during my layover here in Detroit (like reply to all the emails in my overflowing inbox), I've decided to play with the blog a little. I just recently discovered this whole "new Blogger" business, and the new toys it provides. It's provided the most amusing diversion this last half hour.

Let me know what you think - I'm not really married to this, but I think I kind of like it. But I need objective opinions to be sure. Just be nice - it is a picture of me, after all.

Flight

Tonight's Ariodante was an incredible send-off. Everyone was in good voice and really on point tonight, and the audience was the biggest and most responsive we have had yet. It was immense fun!

Of course this means that my experiment of "daily" posts (I was almost successful!) has come to an end. The thing that I've learned is that I really enjoy forcing myself to write, even when I don't want to. In the end, I always feel like it's a rewarding endeavor. So, I will try to keep my posts more frequent from now on...I'm sure I'll lapse at some points as this adventure continues, but everything goes through it's ups and downs. Either way, I am going to make more of an effort to stay regular, so to speak.

In the meantime, if you are interested in reading more about other singer's adventures in Europe, check out my friend Ryan's blog, OperaDaddy. He is posting daily right now as he represents the US at the Cardiff Singer of the World competition these next couple weeks. It's a really exciting experience (I got to represent the States back in 2003), and his insights into it all are quite fun to read.

Off to bed now and then to the states tomorrow...

Getting ready to go

I successfully avoided packing a single thing today. This means that I will have to pack tomorrow, but it will be a good way to kill time and relax at home before the final Ariodante tomorrow night.

It’s a good sign when I’m reluctant to leave a gig. It generally means that I’ve really enjoyed myself, which is always the hoped-for goal.

I always love my time here in Germany, which shocks so many people when I say that. They always ask me, “Isn’t Frankfurt boring?” or “How can you stand the Germans?” or other equally obnoxious things. I love it here. Life is relaxed, the city of Frankfurt is close to everything and has a lot of charming places to eat and hang out, you can walk everywhere, the cities and the countryside are lush and green, and Germans are truly lovely people. They take care of their land and are very respectful and genuine in nature. I also love singing over here because I really feel like my music-making is appreciated. That always helps a singer feel an affinity for a place.

The other aspect that I am sad about is putting Lurcanio to rest for awhile. I really love singing this music – every time I get a gig to sing Handel, I have the distinct feeling that my dreams are coming true. He is my favorite composer. Plus, I have waited a long time to perform this role – I covered it my first year in the Houston Grand Opera Studio and have been anxiously waiting for the chance to actually perform it ever since. So this run of shows has been doubly exciting for me in that regard. I hope it is not too long before I get to sing his exciting and beautiful music again.

All this said, I am really looking forward to coming back here in a couple months for more Handel – Jonathan in Saul at the Kloster Eberbach as a part of the Rheingau Musik Festival – and to five weeks of what promise to be amazing chamber music making at Marlboro in between now and then.

Blind Flying

I’m honestly not sure why I do this, but I have it set up so that I receive my daily and weekly horoscopes sent to me by email every morning. Perhaps it’s because some part of me believes it’s true, or maybe it’s just that it’s fun to fantasize that the stars and planets will align, and that it will all have something to do with me. Either way, I get a kick out of them normally, and they are fun aspect of my morning emails.

Today, the following was waiting for me in my inbox today:

“Don't get ahead of yourself by trying to figure everything out just now. In both your business and your personal life, you could still be flying a bit blind.”

The phrase, “flying blind”, really appealed to the catastrophic side of my soul, and I thought to myself, what awful thing is going to happen to me now? I immediately gravitated to the danger and the terror of the expression. Then I realized that perhaps it’s not such a bad thing. Sure, “flying blind” is risky and scary because of all the unknown factors, but unknown and unexpected aren’t always bad things. Sometimes good news is unexpected, too.

I hope to be flying with clear vision soon, though.

Missed again

I am totally amused that I am completely incapable of managing to write a post everyday for two weeks. Yesterday just got caught up with social events, and now the day is gone, with no post. I feel like a bad parent. Like I said, time always feels like it folds in on itself and like I never have enough of it as I near the end of a gig...

Off to Cologne today to visit Nadine and use up the last day of my Eurail pass. I'll try to be back with another post later tonight.

After the break

Ariodante 3 happened today, and it was quite the adventure. Six days had lapsed since the last performance, and trying to remember what came next was scary at times. My brain is running out of my ears now, between standing on stage for practically the entirety of the four hour show (ah...opera in Germany...) and frantically trying to remind myself what to do when. Judging from the audience reaction, it was a good show, nonetheless, and they seemed to enjoy themselves. The show was a great exercise in staying in the moment, to say the least.

Friends

I've basically spent the last couple of days catching up with friends who live in the area. Aaron, my friend who lives in Heidelberg, gave a beautiful performance of Dover Beach Thursday night, and afterwards we went out and celebrated with some of his colleagues at the opera there. Today, my friend Nadine came down from Cologne to hike around Frankfurt with me for the day. We ended up having a lot of fun with my camera, taking lots of pictures. I always seem to take a lot of pictures when I am here in Germany, bringing out some sort of photographer that I never knew existed inside me. As lonely as all of the travel that this profession seems to require can be, I feel really lucky that I am able to see my good friends all over the world with some sort of regularity.

Ariodante number 3 is tomorrow...Our one and only matinee.

Oops...

My apologies for missing yesterday's post...I actually sat down to write it at one point yesterday, but decided that cleaning up my apartment was a more pressing matter for my psyche. And then, before I knew it, it was today. I'll put up another post later today to try to make up for it. I really am enjoying this little experiment, and I would like to keep it up for the period that I committed to.

More Relevance and Family

I ran across these two quotes in the margins of Julia Cameron’s latest book while on the train back from Paris yesterday. They make me think back to my musings on relevance a while back.

“It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance…And I know of no substitute whatever for the force and beauty of its process.”
– Henry James

“The thing about performance, even if it’s only an illusion, is that it is a celebration of the fact that we do contain within ourselves infinite possibilities.”
– Daniel Day-Lewis

Other than that, I spent most of today with my mother here in Frankfurt before she leaves for Greece tonight. My dad already took off for the states this morning. Now I am off to Heidelberg to see my friend who lives there perform Dover Beach. My days are filling up as my time here draws to a close and I try to pack everything in. I know I have a whole week left here, but time always seems to fold in on itself as my sojourn here begins to draw to a close.

Great Expectations

After my audition today, I descended into the bowels of the Paris Métro and made my way to the Gare du Nord, where I realized that I had two hours to kill before my train left for Germany. I pondered what do, decided to quickly duck into an internet café, made a quick call to my manager in London to give a report on how the audition went, and then settled into a little Brasserie to have a lunch date with myself and a This American Life podcast.

Oddly, the latest podcast in my ipod was a meditation on the theme of road trips. Ira Glass opened the show with a mini-monologue discussing how it is hard for us as Americans to embark upon a trip without some expectations, without a sense of hope for transformation, for epiphany, for personal betterment, for self-discovery.

As I travel for a living, I found it interesting to sit and listen to the various stories about travel, and the play on people’s romanticized ideas about what travel. I actually found that I related to a lot of the stories on the show. Each time I go on the road for work, I expect or hope to realize some goal, to know myself better, to change my life in a way that I have been thinking about for sometime. This is evidenced in the way I over-pack my bags full with books I hope to read, music I hope to learn, the yoga mat I vow to use everyday, the nice clothes that I say that I will wear in an effort to dress more like an adult as opposed to my college wardrobe of t-shirts and jeans. Each time I pack my bags, I do so with the outlook that this trip away from home is going to give me the time, the energy, and the courage to give myself permission to become the wise, balanced, healthy and knowledgeable person I want to be. Each time I set out for the airport, I set out with high expectations for myself.

This is never more true than when I travel for an audition. Audition trips are always full of the hopes of taking more steps towards my dreams and the expectations to sing as well as I can. This trip, thankfully, went mostly as planned. I finished my novel yesterday on the train (chilling stuff), I talked to Jeremy as scheduled in the evening, I woke up roughly on time this morning, did my morning pages, found a gym to work out in without any difficulty, picked up some food for breakfast, did a little bit of yoga back at my hotel, ironed my clothes, and managed not to get lost on my way to the Bastille (and, no, my audition was not for the Bastille – it was simply at the Bastille). The audition went well, and now comes the hard part of waiting. All I can ever do is to do my best to sing well and expressively (and I think that I did well today) – I can’t control what other people think or do. The most challenging part of the whole experience is to trust that the opportunities that I am ready for will come to me when I need them to and when it is time for them – to trust that the universe will take care of me and that it will conspire with me to help me realize my dreams.

In the meantime, I look a little enviously at the people who gather their belongings at each stop on the train and have the sense about them that they have finally returned home. I'm starting to reach the point where I feel like I've been away from Jeremy a bit too long...we'll see each other again soon enough, though.

Many thanks for the good vibes sent for this morning – they obviously helped enough for me to feel good about my audition, and I greatly appreciated them.

A little excursion

Ariodante number 2 went quite well last night, minus some drama I had about forgetting my sword in my dressing room. It was minimal drama, though, as the assistant director managed to sneak the sword to me on stage with plenty of time before I needed it, so no one noticed. I really enjoyed myself last night, actually. I really tried to maximize my soft singing - more so than I ever have before on an operatic stage - and it really paid off. The audience really responded, which was a good sign to me that my soft singing could carry over the pit. It was an exciting feeling to be able to play with dynamics so much.

I'm off to Paris today for an audition...I'm back in Frankfurt tomorrow evening. I get to spend a lot of time on the train today, which should be relaxing. I am hoping to finish my book, Seeing, by Jose Saramago. Any good vibes for tomorrow will be appreciated...

The Experimental Beginning

It’s a chilly, rainy day here in Frankfurt today. We have our second show this evening, and the weather change from hot and sunny is actually a bit welcome. I sweat through three t-shirts at Friday night’s performance, because of the heat. I am tired of feeling sticky with sweat, even though the weather was so beautiful last week.

My parents arrived Saturday morning, and they will be at the performance tonight. I actually did something touristy yesterday, since they are in town. We drove to the nearby town of Limburg to see the orange and white 12th century Dom there, and walked around the well-preserved town for the afternoon.

Also, yesterday, I did a short interview with a young woman who is filming a student documentary on American opera singers in Europe. One of the questions she asked me was: what have I learned from my work? I told her that among the many things that I have discovered, I have learned that the world is not black and white, but contains mostly various shades of grey, and that I feel good about myself when I maintain my integrity and honesty. The thing is, I feel like I am constantly discovering something new about myself, life, humanity, and the world around us through my work. It was a difficult question to answer succinctly but completely and comprehensively.

In other news, I discovered this morning that the site of my upcoming performance of Saul in August is the monastery where a lot of the movie, The Name of the Rose, was filmed. For some reason, I find that really exciting.

Experimentation

In honor of the first year of this blog, I feel like shaking things up a bit, and trying out an experiment. I want to see what will happen if I write an entry everyday until June 8, the day I return to the US. I’m just curious to see what will happen…I always put such pressure on myself to have something profound, eloquent, and perfect to say before I write, and it creates panic and fear. Those feelings prevent me from posting entries as frequently as I could. What happens if I say to myself, write everyday, regardless of whether you feel like you have something to say or not?

Already, I can feel my fear of commitment descending upon me like a wet blanket…I’m not even sure I want to post this, because if I do, I’ll have to follow through.

Yikes.