Monday, January 11, 2010

Off Kilter

After rereading yesterday's rant, I have come to the conclusion that I most definitely have not felt like myself as of late. I've been irritable, tired, cranky, and well, prone to the negative, and I'm not sure why. I certainly do not feel as if I have been putting my most attractive foot forward. All I can say is that, while non-functioning internet is an irritation, it is most definitely no reason to stop enjoying the rest of my life. I've often been asked by yoga teachers during a class to join the two halves of myself together. Lately, I've lost my sense of perspective, and I truly feel as if the two halves of myself are disjunct.

There are probably a variety of reasons for this – I've been feeling a sense of rootless-ness lately, most likely a combination of having been on the road for so long (I've basically only been at home in New York for a total of three weeks since last July) and the fact that I moved into a new apartment back in August (which I have only lived in for two weeks since I moved in). Add to that the fact that the 2008 tax man came and hit me hard towards the end of last year, making things tight financially, and a run of L'italiana in Algieri (the music I find the most challenging in all of my repertoire), and you have a recipe for irritability.

Yet, I don't mean to complain – what concerns me is that while, yes, it is hard to be living out of my suitcase, pinching pennies, and stressing about a plethora of high b-flats, I am working. To be so busy is a big blessing, especially in this economic climate. The most frequently asked question over the holidays? "Have you had a lot of problems finding work with the downturn in the economy?" The answer is no, thankfully. I am living the life that I dreamed of and have worked hard to achieve – so why have I not been enjoying it lately? Why have I allowed it's challenges and pitfalls to bring me down into the doldrums of grumpiness? Is this how prima donnas are made?

I'm going to try to set myself aright and join my two halves – and one way I thought I might do this is by trying one of those 30 day projects where I try to write a blog post every day for the next month. A warning: quantity does not necessarily equal quality (I once had an English teacher in High School say, "Remember - Length does not necessarily equal strength!" which immediately set the whole class of hormonally excitable teenagers atwitter). But I hope that in attempting this, it will help me chill out and I might be able to take a step back from the abyss of negativity and re-adjust my focus.


Me again said...

Blimey 0631 in Germany it must have been dark! I do not think you are the only one feeling slight out of sorts. There are a number of people I know, me included, who feel the same way. I am sure it has something to do with the 2 blue moons in December, that I have been told would have to begiin with unsettling time in early 2010. Or it could just be that you want to go home and spend some time there. It is all very well wanting to have the lifestyle however there are so many singers I know who once they have it wish they could stop it for a bit. Home life is so very important to ones sole and I am sure you just need to earth yourself back in NY and your new apartment. Yoga is also very good and some advice I recieve from teacher is to enjoy the moment, find the pleasure in each and every thing you do, from washing up and feeling the water on your hands and the sensation that creates to enjoying walking out on stage and feeling the audience. As Mame said, life's a party but most sons of bitches are starving to death. Or better still a very young assistant I had in Australia once said to me that life was like a pubic hair on the toilet seat- sooner of later you are bound to get pissed off!

Just have fun and I look forward to hearing more about your return from turmoil and your piecing together!


Unknown said...

Hmmm, Düsseldorf is also not the most cheerful place in January. At least I had the rare opportunity to see La Wally there a couple of years ago during a snowy winter evening.

Looking forward to your posts. Considering your travelling, maybe you should consider one of those 3G dongles (or "surfsticks" as some call them) for mobile internet service.


avecvoix said...

Just so you know, I really enjoyed yesterday's post. It was honest! I also think a person's entitled to a little frustration and (even a little complaining) now and then. :-)

Clayton Koonce said...

Oh. I thought you made some good points in yesterday's post and even linked it on my own blog. I know a few singers and musicians who have to travel a lot, and it must not be easy.

Lou said...

it's funny because i've been feeling similar recently [and in some ways for a while]. it's all too easy to take the good things for granted and see some of the negative as more prevalent. but sounds like u're making some important realizations about things, which is always where to begin.