After rereading yesterday's rant, I have come to the conclusion that I most definitely have not felt like myself as of late. I've been irritable, tired, cranky, and well, prone to the negative, and I'm not sure why. I certainly do not feel as if I have been putting my most attractive foot forward. All I can say is that, while non-functioning internet is an irritation, it is most definitely no reason to stop enjoying the rest of my life. I've often been asked by yoga teachers during a class to join the two halves of myself together. Lately, I've lost my sense of perspective, and I truly feel as if the two halves of myself are disjunct.
There are probably a variety of reasons for this – I've been feeling a sense of rootless-ness lately, most likely a combination of having been on the road for so long (I've basically only been at home in New York for a total of three weeks since last July) and the fact that I moved into a new apartment back in August (which I have only lived in for two weeks since I moved in). Add to that the fact that the 2008 tax man came and hit me hard towards the end of last year, making things tight financially, and a run of L'italiana in Algieri (the music I find the most challenging in all of my repertoire), and you have a recipe for irritability.
Yet, I don't mean to complain – what concerns me is that while, yes, it is hard to be living out of my suitcase, pinching pennies, and stressing about a plethora of high b-flats, I am working. To be so busy is a big blessing, especially in this economic climate. The most frequently asked question over the holidays? "Have you had a lot of problems finding work with the downturn in the economy?" The answer is no, thankfully. I am living the life that I dreamed of and have worked hard to achieve – so why have I not been enjoying it lately? Why have I allowed it's challenges and pitfalls to bring me down into the doldrums of grumpiness? Is this how prima donnas are made?
I'm going to try to set myself aright and join my two halves – and one way I thought I might do this is by trying one of those 30 day projects where I try to write a blog post every day for the next month. A warning: quantity does not necessarily equal quality (I once had an English teacher in High School say, "Remember - Length does not necessarily equal strength!" which immediately set the whole class of hormonally excitable teenagers atwitter). But I hope that in attempting this, it will help me chill out and I might be able to take a step back from the abyss of negativity and re-adjust my focus.